Inside the mind of a desperate depressed jobless PMET

Hi Gilbert

I’m trying to fight off this depressive mood and be productive with my time.  I know I must get to re-write my resume and cover letter, and to spend at least two hours searching and applying for jobs.  But the constant thought about my age and the fact that I had a 6-year gap in employment history made it so difficult to pull out the resume and ‘just do it’.

As I described to you yesterday that I have been finding new ways to interrupt my depressive thoughts, like going under the sun or just go out to meet people.

I attended the first day of e2i Executive Workshop yesterday (Wednesday 9am to 6pm) and about to go out for the second session today (Thursday 9am to 6pm).  My depressive mood is coming back again no matter how hard I tried to fight it off, because I’m constantly thinking about what else to do after the two-day sessions.

I am feeling hopeless and directionless, and scared about my current state of mental weakness.  I didn’t even shower when I came home yesterday, I just lay in bed and did nothing all evening.  This morning I woke up at 5am and then 6am and then 7am ..only getting up because it’s time to get dressed to go out.

As I’m sitting here at home alone, doing nothing and still having no job, I’m not able to find the confidence that you have told me to focus on.  As you noted yesterday that all I mentioned were negative terms, but I don’t know how else to express myself and my predicament.  How to find my confidence and strength?  I don’t know.

I’m going out now to clear my mind.  Hopefully I can get back home in better mood and get down to the job applications.

Anxious

*Article first appeared on http://www.transitioning.org, a support site for the unemployed founded and managed by prominent labour activist Gilbert Goh

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